Chris Kavas

Even More Bad Puns

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to reading blogs along comes yet another post filled with truly awful jokes, puns and one-liners.  If it helps, think of this as a “health and wellness” page since laughing is so important to feeling great!  Enjoy

Punny One Liners:

  • When an agnostic dies, does he go to the “great perhaps”?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
  • Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2
  • If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
  • Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
  • If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
  • How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
  • Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese #quote
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America ?
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
  • Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
  • When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
  • Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
  • Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Medical Daffynitions

  • Artery -The study of paintings.
  • Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.
  • Barium – What doctors do when patients die.
  • Benign – What you be, after you be eight.
  • Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome .
  • Catscan – Searching for Kitty.
  • Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.
  • Colic – A sheep dog.
  • Coma – A punctuation mark.
  • Dilate – To live long.
  • Enema – Not a friend.
  • Fester – Quicker than someone else.
  • Fibula – A small lie.
  • Impotent – Distinguished, well known.
  • Labour Pain – Getting hurt at work.
  • Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.
  • Morbid – A higher offer.
  • Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.
  • Node – Knew it.
  • Outpatient – A person who has fainted.
  • Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis.
  • Post Operative – A letter carrier.
  • Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery.
  • Rectum – Nearly killed him.
  • Secretion – Hiding something.
  • Seizure – Roman emperor.
  • Tablet. – A small table.
  • Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
  • Tumour – One plus one more.
  • Urine – Opposite of you’re out.

Did you know…

  • Your right lung take in more air than your left lung does
  • The Old English word for sneeze is fneosan
  • The most popular flavor of Live Savers is Pep-O-Mint
  • World record for keeping Life Savers in mouth with hole intact – 7 hours 10 minutes
  • Honeybees have hair on their eyes
  • Bees fly 12 miles per hour
  • You are more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than any other kind of weather
  • If Barbie were life sized her measurements would be 39-23-33
  • We are born with 300 bones but only have 206 bones after reaching adulthood
  • Americans spend more than 500 million dollars on cold remedies each year
  • The average human body contains 60,000 miles of blood vessels
  • Frogs do not drink water. They absorb it by osmosis
  • The anmimal that lasts longest without drinking water is the rat
  • Crickets have ears on the inside of each front leg
  • Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue
  • Goldfish are the only animal that can see both infrafred and ultraviolet light
  • Can you smell that? The average person passes gas 8 to 20 times a day
  • in 1776 Benjamin Franklin published a book of bawdy essays titled “Fart Proudly”
  • “Do not eat beans, they talk behinkd your back” – Jay Hawkins
  • Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot
  • The first package to have a UPC bar code was Wrigley’s gum
  • Gastric acid in the stomach is almost as strong as battery acid
  • Unless your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks it will digest itself
  • Studies say mosquitoes are more attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas
  • Mice, whales, elephants, giraffes, and humans all have 7 neck vertebrae
  • The average cat food meal is the equivalent of five mice
  • Cats can make over 100 vocal sounds. Dogs make roughly 10
  • “No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens” Abraham Lincoln #quote
  • Tooth enamel is the hardest substance on the human body
  • On a Sears hairdryer:”Do not use while sleeping.”
  • On a bag of Fritos:”You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
  • On a bar of Dial soap:”Directions: Use like regular soap.”
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners:”Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):”Do not turn upside down.”
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:”Product will be hot after heating.”
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron:”Do not iron clothes on body.”
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid:”Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
  • On most brands of Christmas lights:”For indoor or outdoor use only.”
  • On a Japanese food processor:”Not to be used for the other use.”
  • On Sainsbury’s peanuts:”Warning: contains nuts.”
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts:”Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
  • On a child’s Superman costume:”Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender say to him “Man, you have a wheel in your pants!” and the pirates says “I know, and it’s driving me nuts!”

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