Just when you thought it was safe to go back to reading blogs along comes yet another post filled with truly awful jokes, puns and one-liners.  If it helps, think of this as a “health and wellness” page since laughing is so important to feeling great!  Enjoy

Punny One Liners:

• When an agnostic dies, does he go to the “great perhaps”?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2
• If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
• Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
• If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
• How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese #quote
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America ?
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Always forgive your enemies – Nothing annoys them so much.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
• Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
• When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
• Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Medical Daffynitions

• Artery -The study of paintings.
• Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.
• Barium – What doctors do when patients die.
• Benign – What you be, after you be eight.
• Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome .
• Catscan – Searching for Kitty.
• Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.
• Colic – A sheep dog.
• Coma – A punctuation mark.
• Dilate – To live long.
• Enema – Not a friend.
• Fester – Quicker than someone else.
• Fibula – A small lie.
• Impotent – Distinguished, well known.
• Labour Pain – Getting hurt at work.
• Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.
• Morbid – A higher offer.
• Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.
• Node – Knew it.
• Outpatient – A person who has fainted.
• Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis.
• Post Operative – A letter carrier.
• Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery.
• Rectum – Nearly killed him.
• Secretion – Hiding something.
• Seizure – Roman emperor.
• Tablet. – A small table.
• Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumour – One plus one more.
• Urine – Opposite of you’re out.

Did you know…

• Your right lung take in more air than your left lung does
• The Old English word for sneeze is fneosan
• The most popular flavor of Live Savers is Pep-O-Mint
• World record for keeping Life Savers in mouth with hole intact – 7 hours 10 minutes
• Honeybees have hair on their eyes
• Bees fly 12 miles per hour
• You are more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than any other kind of weather
• If Barbie were life sized her measurements would be 39-23-33
• We are born with 300 bones but only have 206 bones after reaching adulthood
• Americans spend more than 500 million dollars on cold remedies each year
• The average human body contains 60,000 miles of blood vessels
• Frogs do not drink water. They absorb it by osmosis
• The anmimal that lasts longest without drinking water is the rat
• Crickets have ears on the inside of each front leg
• Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue
• Goldfish are the only animal that can see both infrafred and ultraviolet light
• Can you smell that? The average person passes gas 8 to 20 times a day
• in 1776 Benjamin Franklin published a book of bawdy essays titled “Fart Proudly”
• “Do not eat beans, they talk behinkd your back” – Jay Hawkins
• Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot
• The first package to have a UPC bar code was Wrigley’s gum
• Gastric acid in the stomach is almost as strong as battery acid
• Unless your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks it will digest itself
• Studies say mosquitoes are more attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas
• Mice, whales, elephants, giraffes, and humans all have 7 neck vertebrae
• The average cat food meal is the equivalent of five mice
• Cats can make over 100 vocal sounds. Dogs make roughly 10
• “No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens” Abraham Lincoln #quote
• Tooth enamel is the hardest substance on the human body
• On a Sears hairdryer:”Do not use while sleeping.”
• On a bag of Fritos:”You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
• On a bar of Dial soap:”Directions: Use like regular soap.”
• On some Swanson frozen dinners:”Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
• On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):”Do not turn upside down.”
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:”Product will be hot after heating.”
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron:”Do not iron clothes on body.”
• On Nytol Sleep Aid:”Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
• On most brands of Christmas lights:”For indoor or outdoor use only.”
• On a Japanese food processor:”Not to be used for the other use.”
• On Sainsbury’s peanuts:”Warning: contains nuts.”
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts:”Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
• On a child’s Superman costume:”Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender say to him “Man, you have a wheel in your pants!” and the pirates says “I know, and it’s driving me nuts!”