Here are some gems from the late, great Mitch Hedberg

Jan 05 2015
Humor
5 Comments
  • I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’, and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!’”
  • I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
  • I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over!”
  • This one commercial said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!
  • I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
  • Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.”
  • I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
  • I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.” That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s easy, Lola – you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!
  • I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, “I hear music.” As if there was any other way you can take it in. That’s how I receive it too. You’re not special.
  • I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
  • I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I bought a cake.
  • I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers! I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates!
  • I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
  • I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
  • An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
  • I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, “Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It’s in my file at home, under ‘D’”.
  • When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
  • Someone handed me a picture and said, “This is a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” How you’d pull that off? What’s that camera look like?
  • I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say “The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?”
by Chris Kavas

8 thoughts on “Here are some gems from the late, great Mitch Hedberg”

  4. These quotes are totally off, did you make them up yourself? They do no agree with what is on his CD’s

Comments are closed.