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One day the husband called his wife to tell her he had tickets for the play. She said “Great, I will start getting ready” to which he replied, “That is good – the play starts next week”

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

To avoid that run-down feeling, look both ways when crossing the street.

Last night I dreamed I ate a big marshmallow and woke up to found I had eaten my pillow.  I have to say, I did feel a little down in the mouth.

Two fish are in a tank.  One fish turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Two atoms are walking down the street. One suddenly stops and is panicking.
“Oh my god OH MY GOD!!!”
The second says “Whats wrong?”
First one replies “I think I lost an electron!!”
“Are you sure?!?”
“I’M POSITIVE!”

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One night out on the range, a coyboy told his friends around a campfire about an Indian he knew that never forgot anything.  “The devil take my soul if I am wrong”, he said.

Sure enough, that evening satan arrived and took the cowboy to meet his Indian friend.  The devil and the Indian looked at each other and satan said “Do you like eggs?”.  Without saying another word satan returned the coyboy to his campground to live a long life.

Decades later the coyboy passed and satan payed the Indian a visit.  By this time the Indian was a tribal elder and satan approached him with one hand raised in the traditional Indian greeting and said “how”.  The Indian simply replied, “fried”.

SENIORS TEXTING CODE

• ATD – At The Doctors.
• BFF – Best Friend Fell.
• BTW – Bring the Wheelchair.
• BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth.
• FWIW – Forgot Where I Was.
• GGPBL – Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
• GHA – Got Heartburn Again.
• IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On.
• LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out.
• OMMR – On My Massage Recliner.
• OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
• ROFLACGU – Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up.
• TTYL – Talk To You Louder

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Some gems from the late, great Mich Hedberg

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:

“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.  Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.  He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.  But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.” The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation, “Well what did you name them?” The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.” The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?” The brother replied, “Denephew.”

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

Here are some from a great site full of awful puns:

• How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
• What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef!
• How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
• How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
• How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
• What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
• What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
• What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick.
• What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese.
• What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
• What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
• What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
• What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
• What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
• Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
• Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
• Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
• What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
• What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
• Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
• What’s The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
• How Are A Texas Tornado And A Iowa Divorce The Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer…..

Definitions you may not know:

• Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
• Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
• Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
• Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
• Control: A short, ugly inmate.
• Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
• Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
• Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
• Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
• Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
• Misty: How golfers create divots.
• Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
• Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
• Polarize: What penguins see with.
• Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
• Relief: What trees do each spring.
• Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
• Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
• Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
• Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
• Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official

  

Bridge to Hawaii
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge? ”

So Many Puns We Had To Make A New Page – Go Here For More Bad Puns and Jokes

And now a word from our reporter in the street

Breaking News: The Pitty Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up and Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get The Heck Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-aaah with Dr. Sniffle Reporting LIVE from Quitcher Bitchin

What would have happened to our reporter in the street if they chose a busy street

“I am in the street for this urgent report” *HONK* “Aieeeeeeeee!” *thud*….

Old Goats

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’

A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they’re efficient and not very funny.

What do you call a dog with no legs. It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.

What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.

Want to hear a word I just made up?  Plagiarism.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag – You can hide but you can’t run.

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”  But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

Someone stole my mood ring, I don’t know how I feel about that.

I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, Is don’t talk about chess club.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.